| ...elope with me miss private and well sail around the world... |
[18 Jan 2010|07:00pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
] |
WAAAAAH. I don't wana go to skewl tomorrow! Oh thank you MLK day for giving me a day off and making it feel like I don't go to skewl anymore. Oh the easier days of lazyness how I miss you. Then again today I did absolutely nothing and I was anxious all day and felt like I needed to be doing something. Maybe that's because I spent my day at Betsy's house watching Steve sleep. Oh Ima creep, perf! I thought starting skewl meant that I wouldn't see him ever again. Glad I saw him and it makes everything harder. It's only harder because it makes me realize how much I care about him. I don't want to be with him. I don't want him as my boyfrand or to be his gurlfrand. I just care so much. I see him and I'm attracked to him yes, but more importantly I just care about him. I want to be in his life and I want him in mine. I know he deep down feels the same way, but he would never say he does. When I look at him I see this tuff as nails guy who could physically hurt anyone if he wanted. But when I listen to him tell me stories about the war, and have to hear him cry, I see the pain in his eyes. How do you make someone realize they are important when they don't respect themselves and think they are the biggest piece of shit ever?
Glad all I do is talk about Steve. I was re-reading entries and I have a different guy every month, or at least every season. How redic am I!? So stupid. I guess I am just a boy crazy single lady and thats ok I guess. Nothing else is going on in my life. Skewl is good so far. I had a really hard 1st day because everything was new and I just want it to be summer so I can see Brandon and Betsy everyday. I actually like being downtown, which surpirses me. I h8 the city. I h8 Chicago and Detroit always scared me. I never actually liked a city until went to Boston. Being downtown isn't bad at all. It's truely a different experience and I need that in life. It reminds me of when I worked in Ann Arbor. Everyone was new, I didn't know anything or anyone, and no one knew me. I felt like I could be anything I wanted because no one knew whether it was a lie or not. I get that feeling in the D. No one knows me, I can be anything I want and I feel more independent which I really need to learn how to be. I am not looking forward to all the WORK I am going to have to do. I forgot that I am not naturally smart and actually have to TRY in skewl. OH NBD. I have two fun classes so hoepfully that makes the semester go by a little faster.
I'm really upset that I have a different SB then State and CMU. So much for actually DOING something. WAAH. I want to travel. I want to do things and see places. I did so much traveling this summer which was new and exciting. I want that feeling again. I want to experience things and not have to worry about life. Can we build a computer and let it do our thinking, while we live our lives? OH REGINA. bahahaha
My head hurts and I feeeeel like IMA puke my face off. I NEED A WORKOUT BUDDY. okokokokok Going to bed early EVERYDAY cuz I am now a grandma and Betsy left me! Not like we talked 2 1/2 hours or anything on dah phone. BAHAH Gewd thing she is Verizon so its fweee.
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| ...in the end we're all just taller children.. |
[04 Nov 2009|11:09pm] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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So I have been depressed lately. I may not understand where all my anxiety is coming from but I realized today it's because I need some change in my life. I get in this mood where I am not happy with school or work or anything. I feel as though my life is at a stop and I am not growing as a person the way I want too. So this is what I need to do, change. I need a new job. Lets face it I have been stuck assisting for over 2 years and I have had my license way longer. As much as starting out as a stylist sucks I need to do it. I need to pay my time sitting on my ass making no money. Now is the perfect time since I have no bills and still live at home. Plus everyone I graduated with is doing it and I want to do that. I'm over being everyones bitch and over shady divas at my work. I also need to start school. As much as I hate it and dont want to go back, I need too. Just so I get out of my house. Just so I feel like I have purpose. Just because I can say I did something even if I never use my degree. I go to school and work because that's what my friends do, and if I dont then I get bored waiting for them. I can't wait for anyone anymore.. I have to take care of me and do what is right for me.
I feel super independent lately. Today I worked out alone and got gas ALONE. Lets face it those are two things I would NEVER do a few months ago. I dont do things alone. I hate it. h8h8h8h8 But I liked it today. I like how I go to the gym at least 3 times a week and put my head phones in and take care of me. I can actually tell the differnce too because I do cardio for 45 minutes now and when I started with Brando we could hardly do 15 minutes without being over it. I'm proud that I pump my own gas because even though I am a princess it just shows that I am growing up and becoming more independent in a good way.
GeriSpice yells 24/7. I called to ask her about skewl and she started screaming to the point it woke Betsy up from her nap. And my phone wasn't even on speaker or set loud. She doesn't feel good so woe is her and everything sucks. She bitches and complains aloud to herself but I am stuck having to listen to her bitch and moan. I cant wait to move out. I dont know when, especially if I become a stylist, but moving is def. a change that needs to happen during 2010. Can you believe 2010 is almost here?! OMG.
I had so much fun this past weekend. Betsy and I hit up the Halloween parties and were a big splash with all the older guys. ha I know it sounds dumb but it always makes you feel good to get attention like that. Good thing our Barista Babe costumes were slooty enough! We also went to State on Sunday and had fun with Brandon! I was scared to meet the new biffbomb but he seemed fun and we all had fun. Michael is a retard and broke all of Brandons room. haha My favorite part about all of it was we just baked cookies, ate mac n cheese, and played Mad Libs. It was like summer or when we'd just all hang out. We had no worries. I like how we use the company of each other to have fun. No TV or video games needed.. we just used our imaginations! CANNED FUPAS AND STD SOUP FOR EVERYONE! I also like this weekend because I had a road trip! I love long drives alone. Sometimes its annoying and stressful, but other times its just beautiful and peaceful. Plus Brandon burned me new music so it was def. worth it. I had fun doing nothing but watching GG's and napping at CMU. I just want us all to be together again. IS IT THANKSGIVING YET?!
So I told this guy I met at Jen and Shanas Halloween party we could get dinner sometime. And my co-worker Sarah is trying to hook me up with Clayton her friends friend I met at her Halloween party. They both seem like supie nice and cute guys. I just dont know. There's nothing saying I can't do what I want and see other people. But in the back of my mind I just think they arent Steve. I think how I will have to explain everything to them and they wont understand. I hate new people because I feel like I have to lie to sound cool for them to like me. With Steve I dont have to try. I dont have to try and be cool or impress him. He knows I am half retarted and lazy and that most nights I am at home sleeping in my bed with fat Timmy. He's the first guy I could be 100% Jenn around and he still liked me. I know we shouldnt and cant be together... but I always wish we could even after knowing things about him.
Oooh just gotta wash mah face before bed now because I work in the moring. Positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts!
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| ..i come from a place that hurts... |
[27 Oct 2009|01:49pm] |
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mood |
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 h8h8h8 |
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When did I become depressed? WTF. I seriously am all about having fun and being happy and enjoying life. And even if I have a great day doing nothing special, I come home, h8 lyfe and cry. I don't remember the last time I was such a baby and cried everyday. I feel like something is wrong with me. I don't understand it. My chest just hurts. My eyes are so sensitive it doesn't take much for me to want to start crying. I just feel like those people in movies who h8 everything so much they go turn the shower on and cry and cry and cry. I seriously haven't been this emotional in years. I do not like it. Nope nope nope. No thanks.
I don't know what it has to do with. I'm not sure if it's because my life is changing and I can't handle it. I'm growing up and so is everyone around me. I can't stop that, stop the changes even though I want to. I wish everything was just how it was, no planned hang outs... you just knew everyday was a day with friends. Or maybe it's the weather changing. As pretty as fall and winter can be for a few days I think it does have some emotional connection. The cold makes me want to do nothing, and doing nothing makes me lonely and h8 everything. Or hell maybe it's boys, or one boy. It doesn't matter how many guys I meet, give my number to, talk with... it doesn't matter if an ex starts talking to me again.. or if a random guy asks me to go to a movie.. I just don't like them. I don't want them in my life. I h8 having to explain who I am.. my past... shit I've been through with people. I h8 feeling like I have to lie to new guys to sound cool. It's just when someone asks "What are you doing?" it sounds cooler if I say "I'm out with peeps.." then telling them the truth.. "Oh just home alone crying in my bed with my kitty." Why even try and sound cool? I don't even want to impress them but I feel like I have too. I feel guilty even talking to a guy because I want something to happen with Steve.. but I shouldnt feel guilt because honestly we aren't anything. And as much as I wish and hope we could be I know we can't. Even when he is 100% honest and I look at him and know I'm bound to get hurt I don't care.
On top of all this I need to figure out skewl and actually go. I have so much I should do but I can't I'm not motivated in any sense. I wish my novel was close to done but as I re-read it I h8 everything about it and I'm bored with it. If I'm bored how could I ever expect anyone else to read it?! When did October become almost Novemeber? I seriously cannot believe how fast life is moving. I don't enjoy it. Nope. I h8 how it becomes dark so early. I just dont know anymore. I need something better to happen.
At least I know Wife Swap will be on at least once a day, and that makes me feel like I am a lil sane.... just a little though.
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| ...promise ill be kind.... |
[22 Oct 2009|06:13pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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Today I have wanted to kill everyone. Just kill everyone. Because I h8 everything. Maybe I am being a total bitch because I'm a girl, but seriously people... h8 everything. The first thought I had was how I can't wait for it to be winter so Steve moves and I start school. I NEED to get my priorites str8. I need to stop being so nice. I just wish it was easy with him, but nope not with Steve, always drama. OK DRAMA. DIVADIVADIVA If it was winter then I wouldn't be able to see him, so I could slowly stop thinking something will happen. Plus I'll be in skewl and I'll meet some semi-babe with student loans going for his PHD or something. That'd be easy. I just feel like I'd rather be with someone I kinda like with no issues, than with someone I care about with a million ishez. I've done this whole "I can change you... I'll change your addictive personallity" BS and I am OVER IT... hear me OVER IT. You can't change people. They are going to do whatever they want.. so why even fight over things? So pointless. Thats why I give up so easy. I just cannot deal with all his baggage and then have to worry on top of that what we are to each other and whats gunna happen with us. fuckrocks fuckboys
So as sad as I am that Brandon cannot have Suzie next year at their house, I am supie excited to be the foster mommy of the cutest pickle princess everr! This way Brandon will HAVE to come home on weekends, to see his baby! What a great master plan. haha Timmy and I keep runninga round saying WE'RE GETTING A BAAAABY! I told my mom and she was like "You didn't ask me..." and I was like "Yes... I did..." and she's like "No, you just told me." And it's true. I told her that was what was gunna happen, and it is. I'm not about to see my friends baby get sent to some shelter or have no home. That is redic.
I pretty much h8 everyhing and everyone. I feel like I havent been comprehending life either. I cant focus. :/ I'm sooo excited Besty is gunna be home ALL weekend. Then I get to be with my friends and worry about friends and not dumb bois. Plus its HALLOWEENFEST with the LEaZbeaAnz and I couldnt be more excited to dress like a Barista Babe! :)
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| ...doesn't she look gewd standing in her underwear... |
[05 Oct 2009|01:55pm] |
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Oh lyfe. How I love it so... and yet have so much h8 for everything! This is basically a day as Jenn:
Wake up around 11am, sometimes before, sometimes after. Then make coffee and eat some kind of breakfast. Go check FB a couple times, refreshing the page hoping Betsy has commented me back. Talk to her on the phone all day and night. Shower. Watch a marathon on TV for a few hours of a show I haven't watched before. Hang out with Timmy all day taking pictures of his fat and sending it to everyone. Oh, don't forget I go shopping and spend moneys on clothes which I really do not need. Then around 8pm or 9pm I eat my second meal of the day.
Maybe it's because I finally took a shower after two days of being nappy, but I feel a lot better about myself. It's good to be clean and have fierce weave. I don't know why I got all depressed and didn't take care of mah weave! Well, I do know why but that's another story. I'm supie excited because I got a new bra. It fits really well! I just get confused because I feel like every company is different and I'm a different size depending on the style, company, cut, etc. Oh bras. Oh being a lady. I was looking for a cute skin colored bra, and that's what I got! I just gotta keep it fierce and not hold it together with staples and a bandaid like before.
The whole Steve situation has been so weird and confusing lately I h8h8h8 it. I just don't understand. I don't want to hurt anymore. And I cannot wait around hoping for more and then just get hurt later on. It feels like we broke up and we are in the awkward stage where you still are talking to your ex and you shouldnt because you know it hurts. I know we didn't breakup, we werent even anything, I just feeeel that way. I don't know what to do. I just feel like it shouldnt hurt this bad. If we were supposed to work it would just work. Ok maybe you can't give me 100% so you feel guilty, but I wasn't giving you 100% either. I didn't think we wanted that right now. The problem is I am a very strong believer if it didn't work once, it won't work again. I know that's maybe not true for everyone and ever situation but based off my my pass that's how I think. And who knows maybe because we weren't officially anything it could work later.. but I don't know if I should wait around for that. The main issue is that I promised I'd go to a wedding with him Oct. 17th. I got a dress and I'm kinda excited to go. But I kinda just want to stop talking to him so I can slowly get over it so I won't hurt. But I can't with the wedding coming up. I don't want to be a bitch. I do care, I wish it could work, but I have to protect myself.
I really want to go tanning. I know it is terrible for you. And the risk of cancer blahblahblah. And I know all these recent studies are saying that it's more of a risk for younger people, but I just like when I am a little tan. I feel so much better about myself. I feel skinnier and hotter. ha I'm redic I know but I just like the warmth too. However, I am scared my tattoo will fade, and I know I can get it touched up but I don't wana have to do that rght now. I want to save my moneys for more tattoos! ADUH. I'm addicted. I'm addicted. I'm addicted. Hopefully, I get to the gym today after I go to the movies. I have been meaning too and since I am feeling better I'm guna try and go. But really it doesn't matter... who am I tryin' to impress anyway. It doesn't even matter for the person I want to impress. OH H8 BEING DEPRESS FEST 012 everydaaaaaaay.
Brandon. Come. Home. Now. I. Miss. You. Waaah.
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[03 Oct 2009|07:43am] |
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lonely |
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I've been supie depressed lately. I don't know if it's because of the sudden weather change, all my friends being away at skewl, all my friends being coupled off, or if I'm just a total baby. I just feeeeel lonely. I miss my old life. I miss the days when you didn't make plans with your friends, you just knew you'd see each other everyday. I miss when Farley and Jade were dating because Swanny and Jade got along and we all hung out. I miss when we'd all be together 24/7, have sleep overs everyday, and Ouija. I miss when Besty and Brandon were home and we knew everyday was GG's and Bucky's no questions asked. But now everyones gone. They have skewl, work, girlfriends. I don't go to skewl, work is seriously a joke I work 2 or 3 days a week, and I don't date girls. NBD. I feel like in high school I had so many groups of friends and talked to everyone.. but now I have a small group of friends and were all growing up and growing apart. Not like our friendships change just we all have stuff to do. Well, except me. I sit at home everyday in my bed watching TV. Oh so perductive. And yeah I have Caitlyn and people I could call but they aren't my bestfriend. Yeah they're good friends but I can't just see them everyday and do nothing and have things be fine. It has to be a planned adventure or something with them. IDK IDK IDK.
And now I feel like for the 3rd time in a row a guy has told me "it's just not the right time." Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Ok dude... stop with this whole its not you it's me, I need time bullshit. How is it not the right time? You want me to call you next Tuesday? is Tuesday good for you? Around 3pm? Naw... how about Friday... Fridays good for me... I understand Steve and I were getting really serious pretty fast here and that wasn't really the plan. But now you wana be honest and tell me you can't do serious now, that you want to give me 100% but feel like you'd only give me 80% right now, and then expect it to be the same and me not to be upset and just have fun. Uhm no sir. It can't be like that. I have to look out for myself. I realized no one looks out for you, so you need to take care of yourself. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and look for a different guy... but do you honestly want me to just act like were fine perf dating friends, expect soemthing, and then get hurt when it doesn't happen. I can't wait around and hurt myself more and more.
I just want my Marvin so thing will be fine. And I want another tattoo asap! OKPERF!
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| ....all the nights all the fights you are outta sight.... |
[25 Sep 2009|09:22am] |
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mood |
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lazy |
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So the rest of my burfday weekend was pretty fierce! On my actual birthday I was pretty lazy all day. Saturday before I went to dinner with my mom and Michael, which was delicious! NUMNUMNUM After dinner Steve and I went to our hotel room (yeah we're gay I know) and just watched the VMAs. hahaha We're so retarded. But we had to watch them because Lady GaGa's performance was insane and so amazing it changed Steve's life.. so I had to check it out. I love that his guilty pleasure is mah girl Lady G but I'm sad cuz he stole my CD! haha Then Caitlyn came over and we all just hung out on the bed watching TV drinking champange that was $6 from 711. It was just a really goofy and fun night. With a little stalking and microwave moving, you know nbd. Then Sunday we decided the three of us needed to go to the strip club. Don't get me wrong I love a naked girl as much as the next person... but the vu is so naptastic! And it was Sunday so there was like 5 strippers working. haha Plus it was 89x night and they all danced to stupid songs like Coheed... whaaat?! I def. wasn't feeling it like Caitlyn or Steve but I had fun.
My birthday was really hard for me. I know it sounds so stupid and like I'm a baby but I just got super sad. I hate how I always seem to get sad or cry right after doing my make-up too. I think part of it is because I don't want to be 20. I had like a midlife crisis. I know 20 isn't old at all, and everyone makes fun of me because they're all way older but it just means so much that I am not ready for and can't handle. I think it goes back to my big fear of getting old. I know it sounds redic and very suicidal but I want to die young. For many reasons. Steve talked me through it, and even though he hasn't been through the same things as me, he's been through a lot and he really understand the whole dying young feeling.
I feel like such a bum! I only work and then when I am not working I just want to nap and do nothing! ha I'm so stupid. Oh well. Then I go shopping and spend all my moneys, which I shouldn't be doing but things are fine! Spending $50 on my Halloween costume?! Yeah that's ok because I'm gunna wear it twice... so that makes it reasonable, right? I'm excited for this weeked, BRANDON IS HOME! Yeah I might only see him for a second, but I'll get to see him. I feel like so much has been happening to us both that we must catch up! Good thing I have my Buckys giftcard! hehe I really need to figure out my life, my dreams, skewl, and if this is all going to work out. OKTHANKS.
But instead all I wana do is finish the last Twilight (yeah 50 years after I finished the 1st 3) and rent CD's from the library! I'm kewl. I'm kewl. I'm kewl.
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| ...ohh baybay bay bay ooooh baby baby... |
[19 Sep 2009|01:44pm] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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Oooh Necto. It's such the magical place to go on a crisp fall Friday night. This was the first time I've gone where it didn't turn into an up, down, up, down experience! Maybz because there was no Kory with a K there for us to stalk.Or maybe because Neil, our only gay boy in the group, was too shitwrecked to go look for boys in the red room. He was just happy making out, getting bleejays, from nappy gays on the first dance floor! haha Swanny, Sabina, Farley, Erin, Jecca, Neil, Steve and myself all went to Necto for a good time and I think we succeeded in that! Neil and Jecca drank at the club since they are so old. That ended in Neil getting sloppy slipping 3 drinks on the dance floor and all over my shoes! He hooked up with some nappys, but it's Neil so really anything less than an angel isn't good enough. Steve was having a good time getting hit on by all the guys there, oh and getting drinks bought for him after I told him to take his shirt off. haha I'm glad he had a good time, I just feel bad because I can't dance. WAAH! After a fun night with my boo and best friends we headed home, and that's when all the real fun started! Neil was being hilarious saying crazy drunk things the whole way home. "The pope poops...my hearts broken I fell in love... a black man sucked my dick dry..." Then right as we hit the expressway he puked all over Swan's car, on him self, and out the window. The best part was Lauren's passanger side doors are broken so that was the door we all were supposed to slide out of. lawlawl OK NO THANKS. Black puke everywhere! Being the careing and helpful mother type that I am, I cleaned up the puke best I could with Sabrinas shirt. The smell made me want to puke even more! But I really had a good time. After Steve and I got food at 3am at Stake n Shake and then I ended up staying out all night. It was nice just being able to be with him all night.
We spent the whole day together too. I forced him to go to the zoo hungover and he loved it! ha We got lost inside the zoo trying to find the giraffes and kept walking circles. But no matter how many times we passed the ant eater we still had fun. And when we first laid eyes on those tall, long tongued creatures it was like heaven opened up. lawlawl I don't know what it is, but him and I are so goofy I love it! I am 100% myself around him. I can tell him serious things and tell him stupid stories and he doesn't care. I can talk to him with a southern accent and he plays along with me. I love how we are goof balls and how much fun we really have together. I also like the fact we can be kiss huggy together like a sick couple everyone hates. Of course we try not to do that around people, but I can't say we haven't before. I love how his guilty pleasure is mah gurl Lady GaGa and we listen to her while he drives my car. I like how he loves turtles just as much as me, and how we plan out our lives together buying a shark named Marvin. He's the first guy I've been with where I can be serious Jenn and goofy Jenn around. He liked my friends and is down for whatever. I also love how even when I am having a bad day he puts life into perspective for me. Even though I've been through a ton, his life and his stories make me realize that others have it worse and I shouldn't get angry about stupid things or let things get to me. It's really not a big deal in the big picture. He humbles me, shows me passion, and teaches me things. Everything I have ever wanted. Yeah there are going to be struggles but he makes me want to overcome them with him. IDK maybz I'm just this young brat just being a girl but I seriously never have felt like this.
I'm already having such a great birffday weekend... and it just started! :)
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| ...i dont spend my night looking for earthquakes... |
[13 Sep 2009|04:00pm] |
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TOGA TOGA TOGA! okokok! So I think it was a success! I got there a little later than planned, my toga was see thru, and no one was drunk but NBD! Betsy got to meet Michael and hang out so that was a success. I feel like everyone just had fun hanging out and enjoying the company of each other. It was my first real college party of any kind. It was awkward because I knew no one and wasn't trying to make new friends because since I don't go to State I will never see them again. I feel left out when everyone talks about marching band and their college experiences because I don't have that, but at the same time it's really ok. I like my life just fine how it is. I just h8 driving so long because my back is killing meeee. okokok h8h8h8
I feel like everytime someone starts to date a person and they bring them in thr group that I get to attached and they become my friend too. It's both good and bad. I don't know what's really goin on but I just want it to all be figured out. I hate when things are rocky like this. I just want everyone to be friends and play all the time!
STEVE AND I ARE GETTING A BABY SHARK EGG AND WATCHING IT HATCH LIKE OUR VERY OWN BABY! :) I can't wait!
This update was brought to you by Mooshes laptop which is now mine! YAAY!
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| ...thank you for being a friend.. |
[07 Sep 2009|11:34am] |
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 ditzy |
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OK. OK. OK. It's Betsy's birthday! I have spent all weekend with her layin on her sofa watching TV drinking Starbucks! lawlawlawl Just like the summer. GEWDTYMEZ. Brandon and Paul came home for her birthday to hang out! I'm so excited to see them next weekend at State for the TOGA PARTY! My dreams of being a college kid coming truuue. I like when we all hang out. I just feel left out and like a loser when the convo turns to band and skewl. OK I DO NEITHER HELLO HELLO HELLO. It's ok though, I love my GG's! I feel bad because sometimes I think Betsy h8z me for dating Steve. :( I don't want her to h8 me or Steve or anything or anyone. I seriously try not to PDA but then she feeeels like the 3rd wheel and I feel bad. OKOKOK. I don't know. I just know we're getting a shark HELLO MARVIN!!!!! I'm 5 all the time and I loooove it. TOE NAIL IN THE SCANNER! Ps. NO MORE CHRISTMAS! HELLO DRAGON! I don't want my friends to leave today, going back to having noooo liiiife and nooo friends. H8
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| ...no peace just clicking machines... |
[02 Sep 2009|11:07am] |
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thankful |
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I just want to drink coffee all day everyday, not work, and be fabulous! I know I should be in school because that's what you're supposed to do, and everyone else is doing it. But I just would like to take a moment to rub it in everyone's faces how much I love not going to school. How much I love only having to worry about work. Maybe I want to grow up too fast, I don't know. I remember this comedian once said "I don't understand why people try and graduate early.. what prize do you get? Hey congrats you get a real job, with a boss, and have to work everyday!" But I'd be fine working in a salon my whole life and make that my job of choice.
The past few days have been wonderful but I feel like I am spoiled. I saw Steve two days in a row and I know that can't always happen which makes it hard. I told this to Brandon before, I care about him. It's weird because when I like a dude it's school girl crush OMG WHATA QT! But with Steve I care too. We have so much fun together. We are both stupid and goofy and I love it. But if we aren't being retards we are so serious. I don't think I have ever had a serious talk with a guy like that before. I know it's because he's older, he knows what he wants, he wants to be serious. The only way I can describe it is we are seeing where things go. If I can prove that I can be loyal and serious we'll date. If we date we date for the long run. I'm really down for all of that. I feel like I am mature enough to handle serious, to handle his life style, to work toward something real. Something grown up real. I just don't know how to handle the fact for the next two years the army could call him back. How it wouldn't be us seeing each other 24/7 whenever we want. But at the same time that's not healthy, I wouldn't want that. I just want to be happy and not have to worry about him going away like that. It's scary. Betsy says he's a fighter, that it scares everyone, it'll be ok. I know he's tough... but he's not that tough. No one is.
And now I don't want to work! haha But I only work two days this week so I guess I shouldn't complain. I want to finish my room! I want to trash more things, and paint! And get a big girl bed! ASAP! I have a long weekend so I hope I get more done. Dead dandelions are so in right now, I want my room modeled after that! :)
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[31 Aug 2009|06:37pm] |
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bored |
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Cleaning my room is taking 30 years to do. But I don't have skewl so things are fine! I trashed a ton of shit and it felt good. It also feels good to hardcore clean, dust and vaccum, you know all dat shyyt. I really want to get all of this done so I can re-do my room and paint it. I wana make it a big girl room! Even get a queen sized bed! OOOH! But in order to do all that cleaning needs to get done first. And then I need to go to ikea and make my life just like 500 Days of Summer. OKPERF!
My birthday is in 20 days! YAY! I am going to be 20 on the 20th! hehe I'm so excited! But I'm kinda sad cuz I want EVERYONE to play and do something fun. But people are away at skewl and I don't know what to do. We'll just have to see what happens. I'll probably just end up eating ice cream alone. hahaha OHJOY.
So I don't know why I do this to myself. I told myself not to get to into it with Steve because I'm just going to get hurt. So I tried to distance myself from him, by not calling or texting him first. Good thing he calls me everyday and we talk. So this means... I'm starting to get into it. But I can't! I can never see him and I know we talk all the time and text a lot but we need to actually see each other to make anything work. I don't know what will happen.. and for now I just like how it is. I just wish we could hang out more.
OOOOOH LIFE! I JUST WANT IT TO BE LIKE A SCISSOR SISTER MUSIC VIDEO! AND BE ON A BOAT DRANKIN' CHAMP WITH DRAG QUEENS FOR MY BDAY! kaythx
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| ...this is one time you can't fake it hard enough to please... |
[16 Aug 2009|11:35am] |
When I look at my life I notice one major trend. All the coolest mother fuckers to ever walk this planet somehow leave me. I have a list of people who I genuinely care about and think are awesome. When I look at this list those people aren’t in my life anymore. Sure some of them could be, or are there sometimes, but none of them are a permanent fixture. I don’t know how this always happens. It seems I get close to people right before they enter a new chapter in their life. For example Brandon was my neighbor my whole life, and when did we become best friends? Oh yea, right before he left for college and moved to another town completely. I’m not saying I don’t want any of these people to live life and experience great things, I just wise I could be there with them. Maybe that’s selfish but I really don’t give a shit. I’m going to be selfish!
Today I have to deal with Betsy leaving for school. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal but we got really close this summer and I saw her pretty much everyday, and now she’s gone. I forgot how important it is to have a girl best friend, who isn’t a lesbian. Don’t get me wrong, I love my lesbians, but everyone needs at least one straight friend! It’s also depressing because she is just the first to leave. Paul, who I think I saw more than Brandon, is leaving too. Yesterday at our last supper he brought up the fact we have only known each other four months. It honestly felt like he had been part of our friends forever. He really fit right into the group and from the moment I met him we were close. I’m so happy Brandon actually found someone, with substance, to spend time with. I’m going to miss his Rose stories and the cheese weave jokes. And with Paul leaving is Brandon, my other half. We are truly the same person and when he isn’t around I’m slightly depressed inside. Maybe it’s not normal for a person to get like that, I mean it’s just your friends going to school; they will be back for Christmas. But Christmas is always so far away. I had this same issue when Michelle first started school. Everything is just less awesome without everyone.
I realized this morning when I woke up why it’s so hard. My friends really are my family. I’m not lucky enough to have 5 caring brothers or take care of my niece when my sister is in a bind. My family is really different and that’s why through everything I have made my friends my family. It’s not a dis on my real family, after Boston I realized how I truly like to spend time with everyone, but everyone being together is so hard in my family. I’m not sure why but that’s just how it is. So when my friends go away it’s like my family is leaving me.
I know once I figure out my school situation and start figuring out my own life I will be too busy to care and be sad, but that’s taking too long to happen. Once I have classes scheduled and know I can start writing my book during class again things will be fine. Listening to sad Jonas Brothers’ songs probably isn’t going to help the situation either…
Other thoughts on my mind: how can you care so much about some one you hardly know? How can you feel so comfortable around a total stranger? Oh, and why do I do this to myself every time?
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| ...as for me i wish i was anywhere with anyone making out.. |
[14 Aug 2009|05:23pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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Walking in Target today I saw StalkerBoi. Oh hello. Avoid avoid avoid. I mean it’s really NBD we just did it a few times then I did his friend and he h8ed me and then tried to do me more. lawlawl Oh and FYI his friend I did it with is training for the army… WTF?! All punx go to dah army… h8h8h8 I feel so unsafe in my own country now. What do we do now? Oh yes I know, just listen to the wise words of Constance Reynolds and date church bois. PERF! Betsy and I need to go to youth group and pick up babes, except they aren’t really babez at all. Our hearts are being broken by each others brothers. That’s supie funny actually… but makes me want to slit my wrists because I am always an idiot. Never the right time for anyone, no one wants to date, only sexsexsex. Ok thanks. Just let me know that BEFORE we start talkin’ and things will be FINE.
I don’t want Brandon and Betsy to leave for skewl. : (
I don’t even know if I can go to skewl cuz SCHOOLCRAFT IS GAY and didn’t send out my transcripts or something. THANKS ASSHOLE.
I HAVE TWO FEET I HAVE TWO FEET!
Just wanna write mah novel eff life eff skewl eff work. OK GOODNITE.
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| ...i never knew you i never knew you i never knew you threw so hard.. |
[12 Aug 2009|10:47am] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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So much has been goin on since Abe the Babe that I feel like my life is a movie. So much vaca so much action! And well, I love it!
Going to Boston was a movie. As I traveled through the airport with my headphones in I imagined that my life was Punch-Drunk Love. Everything I noticed was red or blue. It was like I knew my love was going to follow me to Boston so we could make love right nawnawnaw. Of course that didn't happen but it made me ok with flying. On the plane I sat next to the oldest couple, who held hands at take off. That's what I want. Across the aisle next to me was the John Locke of the plane. As horrible as it was I imaged our flight being like LOST. And as we landed over water I thought about the plane blowin' up. I knew he'd be John because he talked about how he fixed his vision with eye exercises and watched black and white movies on the ride there. I loved him. I tried to think who I would be, probably just Hurley or Claire. How boring!
The trip was very long. We got up early everyday and had breaky in the lobby. The potatoes and coffee were the only good things. I don't like the city, I dislike Chicago and Savannah and any other city I have ever gone to. But Boston was so different. A city, by the water, I liked that city. I like walking everywhere up and down hill or across the bridge. I liked doing tourist things. I didn't mind the tall buildings and the people there. And being with the family was ok because it wasn't just my mom and I. I had my brothers there to distract her from getting mad at everything. I liked the park with people playing guitars and swan boat rides. Walking through the park I saw an empty bench with a book all alone. The wind had blown it open and the pages were turning it in the wind as crowds walked past in what seemed like slow motion. It made me wonder how it got there. What book was it? Who left it? And were they coming back? It's pretty much the story of my life and the most beautiful thing I have seen, like it was straight from a movie.
It was nice to see my whole family. And the wedding was a good time. Everything we did was ok in it's own way, but the one part that sticks out most in my mind is when Michael and I were laying on the bed talking to each other as Betsy texted me... and texted Michael... and I texted Betsy... and texted Steve...as her and Steve were back in Livonia on their couch watching TV. Ok so this love squares kinda a joke, but not really but really. I'm trying to just take each day as it comes and not freak out about things or over think the situation. Who knows what will happen, I sure don't. But when I talk to Steve I see life totally different. Yeah he's been through so much more since his so much older, but the things he has gone through makes my life seem so simple. I'm all about the weave, lets be fierce, and always sexual. He just tells me stories about the army and what he likes to do with such passion. Passion is what I have been looking for, someone who actually has strong feelings about the world and can teach me things. But at the same time we don't know where this is going. And I can't have boy talk with Betsy like we normally do cuz it's her brother! lawlawlawl
All this leads to THE EPIC RAVE RAPE 09! Surprise Brandon! Welcome home Jenn! Brandon's 20 and we spilled wine over everything, danced in the strobe lights, as people got nasty in the parents room while others puked in the bathrooms. I can't even repeat the ridiculous and sexual things that happened. I love how Brandon and I sober up to take care of business and bust out some laundry when need be! I think our group is not allowed to drink for a while because everyone is a bunch of horny mofos! But in the end things were fine! I loved every minute and it was kinda like Party Monster cuz our lives are every movie.. ever. OK PERF!
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| ...lets play a love game love game... |
[04 Aug 2009|01:31pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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Making Springfield, IL a day trip was probably the best idea Paul ever had! Driving 14 hours with Brandon, Paul, and Betsy was the most fun I have had on a road trip! Seeing Abe's grave and house was the best vaca I ever went on! Pretty much the best day of my life was yesterday. Yes I was tired as fuck but I slept on the way there and back so things were fine! I finally saw my fav presidents grave and his old house. It was all beautiful. I know it's kinda a joke about how much we love him, but really I do, and just being able to see that was awesome. I got really great vibes. There was no fighting the whole time, we just laughed about FUPAS and making everything out of clay. We had some heart to hearts while playin' truth or truth and ate horseshoes! I couldn't have picked a better trip or better group to start and wrap summer up with. I don't want summer to end. I don't want them to all go back to skewl and be stuck here with mah lezbans. Yes, I love my lezbians so much! But I have spent a week and a half with those three (basically) and I was enjoying the company of a fellow straight girl and my fav gay couple. Guess I'll be goin to State and Central everrrry weekend! OK PERF!
Now I got to get ready for Boston! So much vaca this week... but I kinda love it! :)
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| ...i'm on TV just talkin' like it's you and me... |
[26 Jul 2009|11:26am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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I think Neil is going to be my gay best friend forever. He is the one person in my life who motivates me. He has so much ambition and so many dreams that he just goes for it. He's extremely responsible and works so hard for everything he has. I just want to be like him so I follow him and try and do everything he does. I think the Royal Oak plan is goin' to really work because I applied today and I'm pretty sure I'll get in. I mean I was kinda set on not going to skewl in the fall. Then I could really get crackin' on finishing my novel. But then I realized this weekend how lonely and lazy I am when everyone’s gone. Farley and Swanny are up north and Neil's in NY. This leaves me home with everyone else working and I'm off til Wednesday. And with all this time on my hands am I getting anything done? Nope. That's exactly how it would be in the fall. Betsy and Brandon are away at skewl millions of miles away and everyone else will be busy with work and skewl and have no time for me. Since I don't deal with loneliness very well I decided I'm going to skewl. Heck who knows I may find some really sexual babes in my film classes and then life will be set. My dreams of workin on movies bangin' everyone will come true soon enough. Plus I'll have a degree so my mom will be happy. Let’s just hope it won't take a zillion of years to get!
Time to watch more LOST! I'm so addicted. I think I need to stop watching it alone though because I am really starting to get stressed out. And every time a flash back of Jin and Sun is on I cry a little because I just want to watch Hurley and his life. He's secretly a man after my heart. Having stashes of ranch in the jungle, pet turtles named Stewart, fallin' for crazy ladies and making up imaginary friends.... what a dreamboat that Hugo!
OH MAN NEWS FLASH! Since I applied to a real skewl my mom just said “Go online with Michael figure out a laptop you want and I’ll buy it for you.” SCORE! I get a laptop! Even though I h8h8h8h8 them so much I’m excited. This is because I like Michael’s, it has the number keys on the right and he got a mouse for it so it’s really like a computer… that’s prolly what I’ll end up with! :D
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| ...i've been locked inside that house while you hold the key.. |
[23 Jul 2009|09:30am] |
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mood |
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amused |
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So I know there is such thing as a sex dream about people... but what if you have a boyfriend dream? What's that mean!!!!? Oh SR stealin' mah heart in mah dreams. You sly dogg yeww. ;)
I think I'm going to move out with Neil to Royal Oak and attend his skewl and try and be him. We talked about how wonderful it'd be to live together. To sum it all up if Neil and I were roomies we'd just have surround sound playin' Beyonce all day and night. PLZ and THNkYEW! In the morning… ALL DAH SINGLE LADIES ALL DAH SINGLE LADIES! At night… HALO!!!! Plus we’d prolly just get bunk beds and make the second bedroom a walk-in closet! PERF!
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| ...i dont wana hurt you i wana kiss you... |
[21 Jul 2009|01:00pm] |
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mood |
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 over it |
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I'm over everything. I'm not even trying to transfer to another skewl. It's because I am over skewl. I'm over work. I'm over everything and I need change. I need to move, away from everything. I have a plan in my mind but I don't know if it will work. I pray that it will because I'm going crazy. I'm finding myself hating everything I once loved. I don't understand how life can change so fast. I don't want to talk to certain people, even though I love them. I just can't be your 3rd wheel my whole life. I can't do it anymore. I need straight friends. I need a normal life. I don't have any of that. But then again what is normal? I have no clue. So why do I want something I can't even define? Welp. IDK!
I guess I never thought it'd hurt this much. Is it possible to fall for someone you hardly knew? Or am I just missing having someone new in my life? I think I miss the idea of having someone, because I've wanted it for so long and I had it for a split second. I just want to be like on Desperate Housewife’s, turn on the bath and cry so no one can hear. I have been listening to sad things so I will cry, but I just can't even do it. I got my closer though. And I felt better for a few days. Now I just feel like why don't you still like me and wana talk to me all the time? Ohh wait, it's ova. ADUH.
I'm trying to just be excited for things like I used too. Such as my birthday, P.Runway starting, WATCHMEN and CORALINE coming out on DVD. It's funny how my life was a lot simpler when I was just really into materialistic things. I mean I still am but its guna take sometime before it's me against the world like it was. It's ok because I'm just going to go buy WATCHMEN and finish the LOST DVD's I have and get really into it and then my life will somehow get better? Yea prolly. Or maybe not. haha
All I like in life is everyone driving around W.Bloomfield trying to sing Regina but sounding so terrible and starting too soon that Betsy laughs for an hour making me laugh because I love her laugh! haha
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| ..you read about love in a book somewhere... |
[14 Jul 2009|02:23pm] |
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mood |
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 morose |
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"I saw the fbook status change, you alright?"
"Well, I hope you got something out of it.."
Sometimes it takes so much h8 in your life to realize that the people who are in your life are there for a reason, because they actually care. Lets face it, I'm so awesome and everyone loves me, if you can't love me then you're not worth it. I did get something out of it. I learned I'm really really really ridiculously good looking. I have awesome bangs and my boobs are probably bigger than hers. IMA JUS SAYIN'. I feel like even though I'm still hurting and still upset things are going to be fine. I'm more upset about other things so that's what's making it hard. Like now I will never see past season one of LOST and I can never go shopping at the 8 mile and Hag Khols. And I kinda wana cry everytime I see salt. I think those are the most depressing things about the whole situation. Or Ima tell myself that to get over it.
OK. SO. HP!!!! I can't wait! I want it to be midnight now so we can watch it and love life! I mean Snape can be my rebound bf and we can make luff tonite! OH BABABY!!!!! SNAPE KEEPS HIS POTIONS IN A BASKET! I saw Bruno last night. It was only funny cuz Betsy made me laugh tons. There were really funny parts and other things were kinda eghhh. I like this summer because we have gone to so many midnight showings that it makes me feel like Brandon and I actually work on movies or something because that is our dream job! ha BUT NOT REALLY BUT REALLY!
I need to work out. Even though I didn't eat yesterday... I only drank coffee. hahah It's actually the best thing to do all day. I just wana use my ipod on the elliptical because I learned how to put songs on it! So I'll be jammin'!
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